Have you ever wished to have, say a pet Triceratops, but you live in an upstairs flat, until now it would have not been possible. We all know the problems large quadrupeds have with stairs, not to mention sharp turns on landings. Now there is a product on the market that just might be the solution to this problem - The DinoLift.

DinoLift claims to be able to lift a fully grown triceratops up to a third floor flat in complete safety. As this all seems too good to be true we had to give it a try so we ordered the deluxe version and sat back to await delivery.

First impression on opening the box is that it is a giant mecanno kit with a very large instruction book. We checked the packing list to make sure that it was all there and set to work.

The first task is to knock a hole in your flat wall large enough to take whatever pet you are intending to lift. The kit contains a pair of sliding doors to cover this hole when not in use, this is very good as it keeps out the draughts and any lost pterodactyls that may be flying past looking for a roost.

With this task completed to our satisfaction, the next step is to fix the gantry for the pulley gear above the hole, this must be positioned very carefully so that everything eventually lines up together. Having got the gantry in position, fitted all the wall reinforcing bars and looped the cable over the pulleys, the next step is back to the ground to assemble the lifting platform.

Having assembled the lifting platform and connected it to the cable, the next step is to connect the balance weight, this is in effect a very large reinforced plastic bag that you fill with water so that it weighs the same as your pet. Connecting this bag is a bit tricky as you first have to get it upstairs into your flat, it is very big and heavy even before it is filled with water and it took two of us the best part of the afternoon to get the thing in place.

Now that we have everything assembled, the hole in the wall with the sliding doors, the gantry with the pulley gear and cable, the lifting platform on one end of the cable at the bottom and the balance weight bag connected to the other end of the cable at the top. The next step is to fill the bag with water so that it weighs the same as your pet. The first step is to position your pet carefully in the middle of the lifting platform, for this we borrowed Lucy, a rather sweet natured Triceratops, and guided her on to the lifting platform then upstairs we go to start filling the bag with water. As there is no hose supplied with the kit we had to borrow one from the woman who lives on the ground floor and then set to work filling the bag.

As you may imagine, filling a bag with enough water to balance the weight of a fully grown Triceratops does take quite some time. All went well until the point where we had almost achieved the balance weight. We think what happened was that as the weight of the water and Lucy began to equalise, the lifting platform started to move, this must have caused Lucy a little distress and she started to step off it. Now the water in the bag having equaled the weight of all of Lucy standing on the platform, was now considerably heavier than the half of Lucy i.e.. the back legs still on the platform. The result was that the platform shot upwards, flicking the unsuspecting Lucy, tail over horns, and sent her rolling off down the road. Of course, as the platform went up at great speed, the bag, containing something in excess of one thousand gallons of water came down at equal speed, hit the ground and burst. We had great difficulty explaining to the local police that a fully grown Triceratops rolling down the road, flattening cars as it went, and being hotly pursued by a large tidal wave of water, was in fact a quite innocent accident and not an all out terrorist attack

The next day, having arranged our bail, reread the instruction manual and fitted the catches that were surposed to hold the lifting platform in place until it is ready for use (a small omission on our part), we set about repairing the damage to the bag, fortunately, a good set of repair patches is supplied with the kit and these proved to work very well. Now with the bag repaired and ready for refilling and Lucy back on the lifting platform, we started again, but this time with one of us down below to make sure Lucy stayed put during the filling process. This time all went well, and having achieved equalisation of the weight of Lucy and the water, a gentle tug on the cable brought Lucy gracefully sailing upwards ready to make her grand entry into the flat.

Once the platform reaches the top it locks on to a pair of catches so that it is quite stable as your pet gets on or off it. At this point, having got Lucy successfully into the flat, we were feeling quite pleased with our efforts of the day, so we decided to take a break and continue the test the next morning

The next morning having woken from a good nights sleep we set about continuing the test. First we all had breakfast, bacon and eggs for us and a couple of hundredweight of cabbages for Lucy. We opened the sliding doors and maneuvered Lucy out on to the platform ready for her gentle decent to the ground, what we had forgotten was that Lucy now weighed a couple of hundredweight more than she had done the previous evening, also our repairs to the water bag were not as good as they might have been to the effect that the bag must have lost a couple of hundredweight due to a small leak. The result was that when we released the holding catches, Lucy went down somewhat quicker than she had come up. Unfortunately, the speed that the platform hitting the bottom broke the catches that were meant to hold the platform in place as Lucy got on or off. Also, the shock of impact pitched poor Lucy forward so that her front legs were no longer on the platform. Now the water in the bag having almost equaled the weight of all of Lucy standing on the platform, was now considerably heavier than the half of Lucy i.e.. the back legs still on the platform. The result was that the platform shot upwards, flicking the unsuspecting Lucy, tail over horns, and sent her rolling off down the road. Of course, as the platform went up at great speed, the bag, still containing something in excess of one thousand gallons of water came down even faster than Lucy had. It hit the ground and burst. We had great difficulty explaining to the local police that a fully grown Triceratops rolling down the road, flattening cars as it went, and being hotly pursued by a large tidal wave of water, was in fact another quite innocent accident and not part of a sustained terrorist attack.

Our conclusions from this test are that if you wish to keep a Triceratops or any other large dinosaur you should seriously consider living on the ground floor. If on the other hand you really feel that it is best to live high up you should consider keeping smaller or perhaps something that can fly like a nice pterodactyl.