3 Ways to give your Allosaurus fresh breath!!
In this months special feature we look at 3 products designed to tackle the problem of Allosaurus bad breath.
The products are:-
1. BreathBuster - an aerosol
2. Sweet Mouth - a tablet
3. Freshal - a capsule
The first product we tried was BreathBuster, this comes in the form of a large aerosol can which caused some grave concerns with our testers as to the safety of this product.
The instructions simply state, open your allosaurus's mouth and give a good spray down his throat. At first sight this sounds quite simple so we borrowed an allosaurus from the local owners club and tried to put it to the test. First problem, getting the mouth open. An allosaurus will not open his mouth if he doesn't want to, we had all three testers standing on step ladders pushing and pulling and tickling him under the chin for quite some time before we succeeded in getting the mouth open. Second problem, the spray from the aerosol only reaches about a foot, therefore you cannot reach the back of the throat without putting the aerosol and also your arm inside his mouth. Third problem, when the spray hits the back of his throat the allosaurus will automatically close his mouth not only causing serious lacerations and fractures to the arm holding the aerosol can but also puncturing the highly pressurised can. This sudden release of propellant from the can into the closed mouth caused an enormous pressure build up which forced the poor allosaurus to open his mouth again with the result that our tester was hit by the rush of escaping gas and was blown off his step ladder causing a few more fractures to the ribs and legs. In the light of this test we reluctantly conclude that we can't really recommend this product however, our test Allosaurus did have fresh breath that could be smelt for miles around. On a happier note, the doctors managed to save our testers arm and he should be out of hospital in about 6 months.
The second product in this test is Sweet Mouth, this is a pink tablet - about the size of a jam jar. Again the instructions are quite simple - just feed the tablet to your pet and his breath will be sweet for a week, well we borrowed another allosaurus for this test and went to work.
First problem, we offered the tablet to the allosaurus but he just sniffed at it and walked away. After a quick bit of thinking, one of our testers thought the answer might be to throw the tablet down the throat. This involved opening the mouth, luckily this allosaurus was a bit more obliging than the other one and we managed to get his mouth open without too much trouble, our gallant tester then, with careful aim, lobbed the tablet down his throat, so far so good.
We thought that this had done the trick and stood around waiting to see (or smell) if the tablet had any effect. What we didn't realise at the time was that the tablet had stuck in the throat, our allosaurus started making strange noises, then with a great heave he coughed, forcing the tablet out of his throat with the velocity of a small ballistic missile, knocking out most of his front teeth and striking one of our testers full in the chest. His passing is a great source of sadness to us and he will be greatly missed from our testing team. We felt at this point it might be as well to abandon the test of this product.
The third and final product in this test is Sweetal - this comes in the form of a soft capsule, again about the size of a jam jar. Again the instructions are quite simple and state:- Just throw the capsule to your allosaurus and he will catch it, in doing so he will bite into it and release a sweet peppermint flavoured liquid into his mouth which will keep his breath fresh for 3 to 4 days.
As allosaurus is well known to be fond of peppermint I (as the only tester left) had no qualms in conducting this test alone.
I borrowed yet another allosaurus and started the test. I threw the capsule up into the air and sure enough the allosaurus caught it and gave it a good bite. At this point I discovered that I had borrowed the only allosaurus in the history of the universe that had an aversion to peppermint! He spat the contents of his mouth out all over your intrepid tester, there I stood, covered in a mixture of sweet peppermint goo and not so sweet allosaurus saliva.
Did the product work ?- well I really couldn't tell, it took three weeks to get the smell of peppermint and allosaurus off me.
In conclusion it must be said that the result of these tests is complete failure, none of them can seriously be recommended to tackle the allosaurus breath problem. Perhaps the only realistic solution is a gas mask!
Next month we will be testing shock absorbing skull caps for your bone head dinosaur.